I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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