Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
