In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
