Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
