i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
