I hate your face
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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