remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
