So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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