You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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