Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
