Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
