I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
