I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize