I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
