my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
