Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
