i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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