I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
