i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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