He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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