i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
