YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
