if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I supernannyed him into submission
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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