It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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