I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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