Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
no, he came in my armpit
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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