just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize