You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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