So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
