Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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