i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
