Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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