I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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