So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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