if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
