She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize