having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
