Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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