That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
