somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
