I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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