I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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