dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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