i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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