Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I could have mohawked her pubes.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Randomize
