i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
