I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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