It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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