i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
