A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
if only i could text you this smell
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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