just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
