Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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