I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
