is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
