A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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