I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
