My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You were trust falling into bushes
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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