I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
