so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
